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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.


He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.


“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.


"It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock," the drunk replied.


“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.


“Yup,” replied the drunk.


“How does it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.


“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.


The three stood looking at one another for a moment.


Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”





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A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.


"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"


Nine hands went up.


"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man.


"Too much trouble," came the reply.





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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.


On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right-handed and won the round.


Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left- or right-handed.


The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, "George, every Saturday you say you may be 10 minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What is up with that?"


George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right-handed."


"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is laying on her back?"


George replies, "Then I am 10 minutes late."





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“My wife converted me to religion,” Joe told his friend.


“Really?” his friend replied.


“Yes,” Joe said. “Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.”





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A young boy, about 8 years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks out a huge box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.


“Nope, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”


“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”


But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.


About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.


“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.


The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”


“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”


“Oh? What was it then?”


“I think it was the spin cycle!”




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BREAST STROKE.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English Channel. After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the BREAST STROKE, so off they set.


One day later, the redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn’t be far behind, so she sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the brunette finally came into sight.


“What took you so long?” inquired the redhead.


“There were some strong currents out there! But I’m here now! Am I the last?” replied the brunette.


“No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.” They decided to wait. Day after day, the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the fifth day the blonde came into view.


Once on dry land the brunette asked the blonde, “What took you so long?”


“What do you expect? You guys cheated,” replied the indignant blonde, “You used your hands!”





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A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!”


He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re just kneeling on one of your tits.”




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A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: one small box of detergent, one bar of soap, three individual servings of yogurt, two oranges, and one stick of women’s deodorant. She then goes to the check-out line.


The cashier takes one look at her items and says, “Oh, you must be single.”


Impressed by his observation, the woman replies, “You can tell that by what I bought?”


“No,” the cashier says, “you're freakin’ ugly!”





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“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician.


“Nah,” replied the mother-to-be, “he and my husband don’t get along.”





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The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?"


Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."




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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.


Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.


Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye."


She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"


"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."





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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they had sex the husband would put his pocket change into a piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. His curiosity got the best of him and he asked his wife for an explanation.


"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."





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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had to much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar!"

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up."





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A body builder walks into a bar, and after a while and a few drinks, picks up a girl, and decided to head back to his place. By the time they got home he saw that the girl was so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to the bulging biceps and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!"

The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, he then tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs and says, "See these baby - 1000lbs. of dynamite!"

The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his "fruit of the looms". The girl jumps up and runs for the door, the guy catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?"

She replies, "With 2000lbs. of dynamite and such a short fuse I was afraid you were going to explode!"




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A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"




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These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"




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A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."




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One day two little old american ladies were touring Scotland and were sitting on the bus when one of them noticed a Scotsman wearing a kilt sitting across the isle. After a whispered conversation, one of the ladies turned to the man and said
"excuse me kind sir, but we are from America and have always wondered what a scotsman wears under his kilt."
Well the Scotsman grinned and said "Aye m'lady just reach up there and find out for yerself" and turns toward the ladies offering a free feel.
The ladies exchange glances and both tentatively reach up the kilt for a feel. Both women withdraw their hands quickly in disgust and one says "oh heavens! that's gruesome!!"
The Scotsman grin widens and he says "well m'lady ye might just want to reach up there again. It just gruesome more!"




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>A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't
>seem to get her tomato's to turn red. One day, while
>taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor
>who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
>tomatos. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you
>do to get your tomato's so red?"
>
>
>
>The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in
>front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and
>flash. My tomatos turn red from blushing so much."
>
>
>
>Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
>doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it
>would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed
>her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman
>was passing by and asked the woman, "By The way, how
>did you make out? Did your tomatos turn red?"
>
>
>
>"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."






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